Students and Teachers

I used to have students.
You know, like in a classroom, sitting at desks, me up front waxing eloquent on some topic I thought they just NEEDED to know to get them to the next level of learning.
I was sure I was teaching them so much.
Shaping young minds.
The thing I thought I would do the rest of my life.
Then I stopped.
Preparing lessons, going to a classroom, standing up front.
For almost 3 years I haven't been that person and I miss her.
Until today, I thought I knew what I missed.
I thought somehow it was connected to my love of learning and my passion to see that come alive in the next generation.
And while that may be part of it...
What I learned today, was that I miss them.
I miss the 18 year old, away from home for the first time.
Trying to figure out how not to be overwhelmed by college and yet look like he belongs.
I miss the 19 year old just figuring out that the mind REALLY is a terrible thing to waste and so she starts engaging hers, in discussions and conversations and matters that really matter.
I miss the 20 year old who wakes up one morning and realizes that she wants to make a difference for God's sake, at the same time her singleness is making her heart ache and she doesn't want it to matter so much.
I miss the 21 year old, with the "just ready to launch" look in his eye. Ready to take on the world, the church, his parents, the "system"...whatever - just ready.
I miss what they did for me and to me.
How they wrecked me for settling.
How they constantly made me laugh and want to pull my hair out.
How they called me to look for God in all the strangest places -- late papers, forgotten projects, missed appointments, and the most amazing "what-if" questions I've ever heard.
I learned all this today.
When I opened an email from a used to be 18 year old who's now a full-fledged grown-up person. With another degree, a great job, and a huge passion for living.
In the midst of her "catch up" email she taught me.
She told me thank you.
"Thank you for loving me.
Thank you for teaching me.
Thank you for challenging me.
Thank you for speaking truth."
Julia, it was my pleasure...
You're teaching me more than I ever taught you anyway.

Who is it that I want?

Today, I interracted with a piece of scripture I rarely read except around Easter time. It's John's telling of Christ's arrest -- a painful scene, no matter when you read it. But here's what hit me...in John 18, Jesus asks the crowd (and maybe me?) "Who is it you want?". When they told him and He answered, "I am he"...THEY FELL DOWN.
Here's what wrecked me,
When was the last time I fell down because I ran smack into the very God I say I follow.
Did Christ know, standing in the garden that night, that I would need to get clear on who I really WANT my savior to be?
Did He know that my heart would beat hard for the Radical, Deliverer, Redeemer, Freedom-maker, Forgiver, and Life-changer?
BUT, my flesh would turn and run away from that very same Jesus?
Searching somewhere else for a safer version of you.
"Who is it you want?"
O, Lord.
Help me know -- today it's You, the revolutionary.
Tomorrow, it may be my safer ideation of who I think you should be.
Save me from myself.
Redeem my wandering heart for something greater than me.
Make me fall down.

I'm Big, You're Small.

The other day, I was hiking in Red Rocks in Las Vegas (these aren't them, these are the Red Rocks of Sedona) and I was reminded that my "stuff", which feels HUGE to me, is actually quite small in comparision to alot of other "stuff". Every time I'm in nature, I gain a better perspectivce on living, loving, and following.
I hear God calling out to me -- through the sky, the redness of the rocks, the roughness of the terrain -- I'm Big, You're Small.

My life means more than just following the routine.
My love has the capacity to move, change, heal, call -- in other people's lives.
My capacity to lead is directly linked to my ability to follow.

When I'm out and about in the world God created,
He always helps me ask the better questions....
Why is it so hard for you to look up and see Me all around you?
When will you stop listening to the lies and really lean into the truth of My love for you?
How will you not end up dragging yourself from one activity to the next again?
What is true, what isn't?
All good questions -- so painful to answer.

Better bundle up, head outside and start figuring it out!

My story.

Like everyone, my story is connected to somebody else's.
For me, there are parents, siblings, nieces & nephews, a few great friends, a church I love, a community that challenges the heck out of me, a husband who has loved me well, and three children.




It's these children that get me every time.
I'm discovering that they are my story, going forward.
So, here they are.
Somedays, the reason for it all.
Most days, my greatest joy.
Others, pull my hair out, what in the world were we thinking,
God, you are so funny, chaos.
Ben.
Mackenzie.
Katie.
Every day teaching me how to B43.